by Dr. Minerva King
Life is dynamic and the only constant is change. During the course of our lifetime, we normally form relationships and strong bonds of love and friendship. However, those relationships and attachments can be broken or disrupted for various reasons, including a chronic or terminal illness, natural disasters, divorce or separation, the loss of a job or income, drug addiction, incarceration or death, to name a few. Each of the foregoing can be a serious source of grief to those affected.
Most people will grieve at some point in their life. How the individual deals with that grief will depend on their level of maturity and the support systems that are available to them, including family, friends, a counsellor or psychologist.
In her 1969 book ‘On Death and Dying,’ Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross proposes that there are five stages of grief that we normally go through during times of loss or bereavement. Not everyone goes through all the five stages of the grieving process. Most will go through at least two or more and each person spends different lengths of time working through the various stages of grief. Moreover, many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below.
There is no clear demarcation between each of the five stages. Some people alternate by reverting to one or more stages before finally arriving at a peaceful acceptance of the loss or tragedy.
Knowing those five stages of grief can help you cope with the ordeal. There is no way of knowing how long someone’s grief may last. It may take days, weeks, months or even years; it can’t be rushed. Whatever the cause of your grief, just know that, like everything else, this too shall pass.
Let’s look at the five stages of grief and consider how people go through each stage.
Denial
This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. We are in a state of shock, we go numb. We ask how can we bear this and why should we have to go on? At this point the world may seem meaningless and overwhelming. The reality that the loss has occurred is subdued.
Anger
The individual realises that the denial cannot continue. They start asking: Why me? Who is to blame? How can this happen? During this stage anger may be directed towards family, close friends or at themselves. They find it difficult to cope. When dealing with such an individual it is essential to remain detached, objective and nonjudgmental.
Bargaining
At this stage the individual hopes that in some way they can postpone or delay the cause of their grief or some miraculous event may occur to reverse the loss. They may try to negotiate with a higher power. They may say “I’ll do anything” to try and mitigate their loss or change the situation.
Depression
During this fourth stage the grieving person realizes that the loss has occurred and cannot be changed. He or she may be withdrawn, silent or cry during this period but essentially they have begun to accept the situation.
The celebrated American author and essayist, William Styron noted that “in depression the faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration is absent.” Getting past this point of despair and realizing that it will not last forever, is essential to the healing process.
Acceptance
In this final stage the individual comes to terms with the loss, death or tragic circumstance that has occurred and accepts it. He/she may say: “It’s going to be ok”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”
Ultimately, grief or the act of grieving can be characterised in two ways:
- Productive Grief– The individual has gone through the stages and the healing process has begun. A healthy life may develop, inspiring that individual to focus on the positives even, at times, reminiscing on the good that resulted from the loss or tragic event. They have been able to channel their energies and redirect their focus to a more hopeful outlook.
- Non-productive Grief (corrosive grief). The grieving person has not developed a positive outlook and most times remains in a state of depression or extreme hopelessness. Some individuals at this stage may have no faith in deliverance and ultimate restoration. At times like this, it is important to be aware of the individual’s living environment and determine if it is necessary that they seek help through counselling, psychotherapy and, in extreme cases, medication if the depressive state reaches clinical depression and results in acts of self harm or sabotage.
Remember that coping with loss and learning how to deal with disappointment is indeed growth-promoting when done under the right conditions. On the other hand, hanging tough and refusing to seek help when faced with overwhelming pain (physical or emotional) is potentially harmful to the individual and can even pose a danger to the society.
Note:
If you have been struggling with an issue or feel the need to speak to someone, please do not hesitate to seek help. In St. Lucia there are psychologists, counsellors, priests and pastors and medical doctors available to help you cope with grief and loss.
